Still today........

I'm still feeling so down in the dumps today :(

Really dont want to be that person that gets moody over other peoples happiness but every now and then a little green sneaks in. I am so happy for all the mommy's and wish them all the best but at the same time I am secretly wishing it was me.
Whats wrong with me? Why is it easy for others to fall pregnant but I battle?

My first pregnancy wasnt even planned and neither was the second but they just happened and now that I actually want to have a baby, nothing happens. And there isnt even a medical reason for it, everything is normal and all test came back clear.

Babies are given to mommies that dont even want them but not to people like me that do :(

Lord, please give me strength and understanding during this time. help me to remember that your will be done and not my own and that everything happens for a reason. I pray you bless me with another bundle of joy to love and care for and patience to trust that you know the best time always.

One of those days........

I dunno whats wrong with me today, just feel so very irritated and grumpy :( I think I need a holiday ........ again.

Havent done so well on not smoking :( Gonna have to just give up cold turkey, there's no other way. Mayb next week, after the move and things have settled a little

Edit:

I just found at that one of my worl collegues has passed away :( She had lots of problems with her foot and the doctors thought best to amputate it last week. She was such an amazing lady, very sweet and so down to earth, it definately is a great loss. Praying her family find the strength through God during this difficult time :(

My Plan/ Goal

Ok so been doing ALOT of thinking today and it's time to make some changes in my current lifestyle. I'm tiered of feeling guilty so here it is:

Plan #1
As from tomorrow, I will no longer be smoking at work and will "forget" my ciggies at home. That means I will only be smoking 2 a day as apposed to 5 and then after the move will stop smoking all together.
It doesnt stop there because I am hoping I can get DH to stop smoking with me. This I no is gonna be alot harder than it sounds beacuse he absolutely loves smoking but hopefully if he can see how well I am doing and also really understand the risk to TTC and our future baby, he will quit too. We both quit last year and did so well for 10 months but then out of the blue DH decided that he wanted to start smoking again and I was an idiot to think I could manipulate him in to stopping when I decided to start again too.

Plan #2
We are moving next weekend so at the moment my nights consist of packing boxes. Once we are moved in (and I mean the very next week) I will be going back to gym again. Not necessarily every night (although when we first started gym, we were going every night) even if it is only 3 - 4 times a week. They have an ABS class every Tues and Thurs and I felt really great when I tried it the first time. I WANT to get my body back into shape and lose the extra weight I put on when I stopped smoking last year. I really feel so uncomfortable and although everyone seems to think the extra weight looks good on me, I dont agree. How can I love other's if I dont even love myself? I want to lose the weight for me and no one else.

Plan #3
Already ordered some OPK's and will be attempting the "Sperm meets Egg" plan. I'm on CD5 now so still have some time to get my mind prepared for all the BDing. Not that I mind it, just so tiered and too cold to get naked and perform every 2nd day, LOL.
The OPK's are also so that I can make sure my cycle is coming back on track and that I am ovulating. Still feeling so incredibly bloated today so I'm hoping that it also has something to do with my cycle regulating.

And most importantly but not really a plan, I'm gonna stay positive, keep the faith and allow God's will in all of this. Even though I am trying my best to get my body in shape and ready for baby I know that if it is not His will than there will be no baby. Atleast I will be healthy and in better shape :)

Men - cant live with or without them

My hubby in all his greatness can be a real pain. You'd think after I complained on Monday he would listen but as true as coconuts he did the exact thing on Tuesday, I mean really.
I also work a full time job and then go home and I am a full time wife and mother as well. At first I didnt mind so much coz I was so used to being a single mom and doing everything myself anyway but I'm not single anymore and responsibilities need to be shared and we agreed on this when we first moved in together but DH is not holding to his side of the bargain :( It is so typical though and I really shouldnt be complaining beacuse most men are like that, I just dont like how things change as soon as we are married.
Its like they (men) dont even need to try anymore.
I really love my hubby though and in all honesty it is so seldom that I feel the need to complain about him and his actions. I have been so blessed with a great hubby and he has accepted SJ as his own which not alot of men would be willing to do. Today i just need to vent i guess, If I have to do everything than I might as well quit my job and become a full time house wife instead. I would really love to be a SAHM :)

Damn, I feel so bloated today. Also been getting slight AF pains so it looks like the meds is working, YIPPEE!!!! And if my calculations are correct, I should ovulate next weekend :)

Postoval

I have been put on a 3 month prescription of Postoval. It is actually medication for post menopause but will regulate my cycle so I am happy.
Was a bit worried about the side effects because one of them is severe migraines but thankfully havent had any yet, then again it has only been 3 days. Another is nausea and sensitive boobs, the things we have to go through!
The upside is at least i'm getting my cycle back on track (and i will be extremely fertile :))

I still wonder why am I am going through all of this, maybe it is God's way of saying "not yet" to me wanting a baby now. I'm really trying to be patient but sometimes my human nature gets the better of me.

My first ever Blog

Who knew that talking could be so therapeutic, i certainly didnt and always assumed somethings were better left untold.

What a journey it has been. Looking forward to many more years at this game called life and hopefully not as rocky as my past. I have a new man and beautiful little girl and God is great in all aspects of the word.

Why do i still feel so lonely though?

17/07/2009

Its been 72 days since my last AF.
Doctors say not not to worry till 90 days but honestly, whats the difference? I have been wanting another baby for the last 3 years and now that we finally have a chance to try, my body shuts down. When i see all the pregnant mommy's (including my friends), i wanna cry coz i so badly want to experience that again.
Why is it so hard to accept that mayb God doesnt want us to have another baby now? I know I will be a good mommy, havent I proved that with my first?
I find it so strange how things work, those that are not fit to have babies do and those that really want a baby dont/ cant.

Only 3 more weeks to wait and then i can get my cycle back on track and start trying again.